Today

Is rather up and down.

My sister IS having twin boys! I am very excited and surprised. We have been teasing her for a long time that she was going to have them but the irony is very humorous. I do feel a little bad that she will have so much going on but hey, good thing she did not have the triplets I teased her about! = )

I have a lot to think about. My future is coming close. I really want to go to China and I am excited. The closest time is in October next year. I think I was invited to go to a camp during the summer to work in Colorado and I have always loved Colorado. Getting money would really help out too. I will have to get more information on that. I am quite excited about finding someone special and I sure hope I do. = )

Being in Cali is good. It is away from that over-kill of a town. I miss my friends terribly and was glad to hear that at least Chewy missed me...Emily actually called me. That does not happen often. I guess I just got used to being around all of my friends that when I was taken out of my normality, I got a little confused and a little sad but it is okay. I was also very...moody and now I do not have so much of an imbalance. I feel better.

I miss my Grandpa. <3

I am concered with what this next year will bring. I wish I had more money and then things would work out very nicely and I would not have to stress so much. I am graduating. How crazy is that!? People are moving right and left...I have to be patient and hope some people will not bug me. I hope I do not run into some people. It could help my heart heal a lot better if they would just simply...never speak to me or look at me or be seen by me. I wish I could pluck them up and put them into a different world where they could not hurt anyone. *sigh* So much for wishing.....

~Psalm 30: 11~

"Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou has put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness." <3

It's all Pretend

I'm pretending I am not hurting because no one really knows.

I'm pretending I am happy becuase no one sees differently.

I'm pretending to hide it but it is harder than I thought.

Why do I have to be so Emo?

My life is really good. I am really blessed. Just can't see why I am hurting and always so depressed. Shouldn't I be happy? Laughing much more often? I am making right decisions so what is making me backtrack every single time?

Is it trying to make other people happy?

Fear and regret?

Someone I haven't forgiven?

The hate in my own aching heart?

The way I feel so pressured....seems silly from the start.

Maybe I know my own problems and that is why it frustrates me that much more.

I get so annoyed with myself for pulling me down so consistantly.

I can't live like this forever.

God loves me.

That should be good enough.

Please please please....be good enough. ♥

Im looking for the guy...

that will take me to the temple and be with me forever. I'm not up for a bumpy ride with other guys. I want to be as pure and innocent as possible. Just imagine how amazing it will be to give everything to that one person. I am excited. Even little things like when I hold hands, I give a part of myself to someone. I want to save as much of that for my eternal companion as possible.



What I see as mature is just someone who understands the gospel enough that when they make decisions, most of the time, their first thought is how it applies to the gospel. They want to be like Christ. They handle things that way. If not for Christ (as far as just someone in general being mature), they know how to be well civilized and compassionate.



I haven't had many decent conversations in a long time. I guess part of it is just that I am so unsure of myself that if i can just make it seem random or funny, then I wont have to grow up, be brave, face my problems, or get my feelings hurt. I seem to love to pity myself. I have been pretty selfish. I am trying so hard to be just exactly what God wants me to be that I am scared. I have a lot to work on.

Communication is KEY. No joke.

I did not forsee those things that would happen to me like jealousy or more loneliness but I know Satan knows some of my weaknesses and feeds off of them. These are just things I need to take head on and get passed. With God, All things Are Possible.

Vagueness and Allusivness seem to seep into these words. Life is just so...intense.