Today

Is rather up and down.

My sister IS having twin boys! I am very excited and surprised. We have been teasing her for a long time that she was going to have them but the irony is very humorous. I do feel a little bad that she will have so much going on but hey, good thing she did not have the triplets I teased her about! = )

I have a lot to think about. My future is coming close. I really want to go to China and I am excited. The closest time is in October next year. I think I was invited to go to a camp during the summer to work in Colorado and I have always loved Colorado. Getting money would really help out too. I will have to get more information on that. I am quite excited about finding someone special and I sure hope I do. = )

Being in Cali is good. It is away from that over-kill of a town. I miss my friends terribly and was glad to hear that at least Chewy missed me...Emily actually called me. That does not happen often. I guess I just got used to being around all of my friends that when I was taken out of my normality, I got a little confused and a little sad but it is okay. I was also very...moody and now I do not have so much of an imbalance. I feel better.

I miss my Grandpa. <3

I am concered with what this next year will bring. I wish I had more money and then things would work out very nicely and I would not have to stress so much. I am graduating. How crazy is that!? People are moving right and left...I have to be patient and hope some people will not bug me. I hope I do not run into some people. It could help my heart heal a lot better if they would just simply...never speak to me or look at me or be seen by me. I wish I could pluck them up and put them into a different world where they could not hurt anyone. *sigh* So much for wishing.....

~Psalm 30: 11~

"Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou has put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness." <3

It's all Pretend

I'm pretending I am not hurting because no one really knows.

I'm pretending I am happy becuase no one sees differently.

I'm pretending to hide it but it is harder than I thought.

Why do I have to be so Emo?

My life is really good. I am really blessed. Just can't see why I am hurting and always so depressed. Shouldn't I be happy? Laughing much more often? I am making right decisions so what is making me backtrack every single time?

Is it trying to make other people happy?

Fear and regret?

Someone I haven't forgiven?

The hate in my own aching heart?

The way I feel so pressured....seems silly from the start.

Maybe I know my own problems and that is why it frustrates me that much more.

I get so annoyed with myself for pulling me down so consistantly.

I can't live like this forever.

God loves me.

That should be good enough.

Please please please....be good enough. ♥

Im looking for the guy...

that will take me to the temple and be with me forever. I'm not up for a bumpy ride with other guys. I want to be as pure and innocent as possible. Just imagine how amazing it will be to give everything to that one person. I am excited. Even little things like when I hold hands, I give a part of myself to someone. I want to save as much of that for my eternal companion as possible.



What I see as mature is just someone who understands the gospel enough that when they make decisions, most of the time, their first thought is how it applies to the gospel. They want to be like Christ. They handle things that way. If not for Christ (as far as just someone in general being mature), they know how to be well civilized and compassionate.



I haven't had many decent conversations in a long time. I guess part of it is just that I am so unsure of myself that if i can just make it seem random or funny, then I wont have to grow up, be brave, face my problems, or get my feelings hurt. I seem to love to pity myself. I have been pretty selfish. I am trying so hard to be just exactly what God wants me to be that I am scared. I have a lot to work on.

Communication is KEY. No joke.

I did not forsee those things that would happen to me like jealousy or more loneliness but I know Satan knows some of my weaknesses and feeds off of them. These are just things I need to take head on and get passed. With God, All things Are Possible.

Vagueness and Allusivness seem to seep into these words. Life is just so...intense.

I'm scared. . . I feel like that little kid again who just needs to be told it is going to be alright. When I used to be held just because I was loved or because I was upset/sad. Those were the days.....

Whistle While We Work

Eh. I am so rediculous sometimes. I need to stop being so prideful. I need to take small steps toward the right direction:

1. Stop saying mean things even jokingly. (mostly jokingly)
2. Get my act together. (Find the things that the Spirit needs to let me know)
3. Use my patriarchal blessing and get a copy to carry with me.
4. Find a program to get to China.
5. Stop saying or thinking bad jokes/thoughts. Immorality is not funny.
6. Find ways to serve others and become more selfless.
7. Really do scripture 'STUDY' not just putting in my time.
8. Learn and grow all the time. Quit wasting time. It is so precious!
9. Take my own advice but overall, my Heavenly Father's.
10. All the other things I need to do. One step at a time but start NOW.

<3

This world wont change itself. Magic is not real. Perfection only comes through one thing, God.

mmm...

Right now, I am just hoping to do what it is that Heavenly Father wants me to do. ♥ I just need to feel His Spirit. Today I am just very irritable and just like 'eh'. It probably is not the best time to be writing because mostly there are only negative feelings coming from me right now. There is some restlessness in there as well and a little nervous or like pressured. I think I will be fine though. Don't you fret.

Things are always changing.

I just don't know what to do with myself. Should I move? Should I go to Singles ward? Does 18 really change much? Should I tell people my feelings or are there much better times for that? Should I be worried? What about? Am I doing the right things? How much do I need to change? How much do I need to love myself and love others? How much is too much? Questions out the waaah-zoo.

I really just need to trust the Lord and ask Him the questions that I am thinking of but sometimes I do and then end up listening to other people or having to change plans. I just get confused.

I have been fasting more lately and I have a much stronger testimony of the way it works. I love knowing that I am sacrificing something that is precious for my Heavenly Father and also for the people around me. Prayer is amazing.

Cross country has been wonderful. I feel great. I am much more in shape than ever before. I can push myself to do things that were once seemingly impossible. I can challenge myself. I can do something that is hard. I can be with amazing people who make me smile. :)

School is going slow. Yet, going so quickly. Already it is more than a quarter over for this year, My senior year. I am going to bawl like a baby for weeks after graduation.

My obsession with facebook has come to an all time high. I feel like if I don't get on, I will disappooint someone else. Even though I waste a ton of time on there and most of it really is not that important. I just keep hoping there will be something VERY important when I get on. Just don't know what it is.... *laughter*. I once lived without facebook, I do not see why I could not now.

I am working on being able to call people instead of texting them. It is so hard. I already had this phone-phobia but it just got worse once I started texting. Texting is just sometimes not worth it and rediculous. You should not share deep conversations or feelings over texts. It will ruin things. Face to face is so much better but phone calls are a step towards that. Texting and even email is nothing like that. Why do we (or I) keep doing it? Keep living like this?

I want to be a great photographer but it seems like there are so many great photographers out there and with digital cameras, there are a MILLION pictures everywhere. People get lucky shots all the time. They sometimes just wing it. I feel like sometimes I wing it. I do not like that very much. Yet, I do love to look at photographs. I wish I had photoshop.

I did two very rediculous firsts this Saturday.
1. I ran into a parked vehicle that happens to be my brother's truck. The truck looks fine. My car has quite a dent in the back tail light.
2. Got a written warning for speeding in town. I was crying by the time the officer got to the car but I managed to say that I was doing 'good'. He seriously was thinking that I was going to a party where there would be alcohol. I HATE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS. I know what they do to people. I am not quite that stupid. I felt pretty stupid though, sitting in this large prom dress, in tears, shaking, and I had already crashed my car earlier. I was late to MY party where I was suppose to be to tell people how things were suppose to be and already be there 15 mins ago. It was distresseful.

I spent a whole lot of time and money on my party. It was really great. Truly. Emily has amazing planning skills and she did amazing things! I appreciate her! I felt like she was my mom for a few days with this whole project. :)

I love modesty. Seriously, people look much better with clothes that cover up SKIN. I am a little annoyed with how much of people's bodies I have seen that I would much rather have NOT seen. I should work on that too. I hate when there is a gap between shirt and pants when bending down or what not. All little mishaps that you may or may not notice at first. I appreciate those that cover up more and I am able to concentrate much better on who they are as a person and I actually see the beauty in their faces much better.

I have been writting in my journal now for a few weeks. I really like doing it. I just wish I did not use the same words over and over. I need to find more words for 'grateful' 'thankful' and 'appreciate'. It usually helps me see a little more how God has been working in my life constantly.

I could literally write a book about my life but it would bore people to death. One day I will write a book and publish it though. Maybe just not all about me. :)

This day. This time. Life Happens.

I was pretty excited to come to California, get away from Taylor/Snowflake for a while...but when I got here, I was tired and I kept realizing why we were all there. It is tough. Such mixed feelings about this whole trip. I really like seeing my family, after getting a little more comfortable and after the formalities of seeing them all again after such time lapses. I need to sleep so that tomorrow, I don't have bags under my eyes for any senior pictures I might take. Good night Cruel world.

some of my photos....it takes a long time to load them and i was being crazy with a bunch of other stuff...

Some random things and days

I have obsessed over facebook and myspace for several years now. (ok facebook only this year) It is a bit annoying. I want to stop but then I always come back or like feel like I am letting someone down by not contacting them on those sites. The cool thing is, I get to share my millions of pictures with everyone! I just don't think that many people take the time to look at many of them. Which some of them, are just like regular home video kind of photos but I love them. I miss hanging out with certain friends like Kailtin. I loved all the millions of pictures we took this last school year and I can't top that. :)

I can be a really crappy friend.

I am obsessed with the boyfriend thing (of which i have none).

I like music but I can never remember what songs are great when people ask or I try to figure out what to listen to.

I cannot wait for fall!!!! ♥ My favorite season. It is so romantic and lovely. I am also a SCARF WHORE and cannot wait for it to be a little chilly so i can wear them all the time. :D

I know you all think i am sweet but let us face this,

♪It means nothing at all if you cant be here with me! ♪

sorry, i randomly break out in song, as i was saying,

♪I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale.♪

sometimes i can just be downright

♪beautiful, you're so beautiful, its true.♪

silly.

So if you wanna know me,

♪if only she knew. if only She KNEW!!(screamo)♪

remember to just simply ask.

♪I want a love that will last. I dont want just a memory, give me forever.♪

♪I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too.♪

The End..........