BABe-ee

Dammon and Lisa found out that they are having a BOY. = D

For some reason I felt like they were going to have a boy.

I am a little sad that I wont actually be here when he is born in

January but I will love to come back and meet my new nephew!! <3

Life is good.



Weeks Go By

Sam has met most of my family, now. He has not met Dammon and Lisa yet. I was surprised at how many of my relatives were at my grandparent's house last night! There were so many little kids that I could hardly keep track. I did a horrible job at remembering their names...I do have very cute cousins though. = )

I finally got all of the money for the program to China. I just need spending money and other essential items to take with me. = )

Here is a sample of some family pictures:

I love all of these people!! <3 Such good times!

The Hopes and Dreams of a Girl's Heart

I am going to start doing photography and photoshoots to earn a little bit of money and so I can do what I really love to do. Recently I was with my boyfriend and his nephew, Maxx  -- Maxx is super adorable! <3 -- and I took pictures of our adventures. That was a Great day!! We had a blast! Maxx was taking pictures on my phone and I was taking pictures of him. = ) It was so fun! Hopefully I can find a few people who would like me to do some photos for them. ( = Family pictures, Senior pictures, Just a group of friends, Couples, Engagement pictures, whatever it may be....

That Boy I Adore and So Much More

If you haven't heard, Sam and I are back together. This time seems a lot different but in a really good way. I am very happy! = )
He left today after sacrament to go to a family reunion in Utah...I miss him already. = ) Just six days....just six. I can't imagine how it will be when I go to China! I don't even want to think about it! hahaha so moving on-

I am going to be in a Joseph Smith play called 'What Power Shall Stay the Heavens' at the Snowflake Social Hall. Performances are July 21st - 25th. Times are 6:00 & 8:00 each night except July 24th - Pioneer Day. The times that day are at 2:00 & 4:00 p.m. Admission is FREE. I am playing Lucy Mack Smith. It will be a neat little play and hopefully it goes well.

I should be getting assigned to a town in China very soon. I sent all of my stuff in and they said I can be assigned now. I will have to find a way to get to Utah when they have trainings but I haven't even figured out dates yet. I am still sooooo thankful for people who are supporting me in any way. Financially, spiritually, or just with my choices.

<--memorial day.

I love my family and I go over to my parents house often, even with my boyfriend. We have fun, mostly being entertained by my little sister or me madre. = ) I am about to go over there to play games but this has been a really good update and I hope everything is well with all!! <3

Summer < 3

It is turning out to be a great summer! I am getting things done! Playing hard! And Enjoying some of the great moments.

The last few days, I went to Utah with My dad, Henry, Nathan (my awesome brother-in-law), the Hanlons, Brian Gardner and his two boys. We had a great time hiking 'the subway'. We had to climb rocks, repel, and even swim in some FREEZING water. It was a really cool place though and lots of fun!

The twins are 9 lb, 4 oz. They are getting big! Cute babies. Madason is still a little cutie with an even bigger attitude! I love it. She is very smart for a two year old.

I am getting ready for China in January but I really need to work harder and find a way to receive more money for this great opportunity. I am soooo grateful for the people that have donated even a little bit. It means a lot a lot to me! I could not do it without them and those kids over there would not have me to teach them! They deserve someone who is willing to give up what they have to be there for them. I hope everything works out and goes well.

Now I have got to get back to 'work'. Whatever that entails....

ooo Filling My ☼ Mind With Time ○○○

In the past 4 days I have been able to do Many many things:

I have watched a sunrise with Sam.
Had a shopping spree with mom.
Watched the new Robin Hood movie at a theater with Nick.
Dressed Madason and took her with me to two banks, jumped on the trampoline with, and just had tons of fun with her.
Applied for a passport.
Told at least 4 boys that I have had or do have somewhat of a crush on them (mostly because I will probably never really talk to them ever again or hardly see them and I wrote most of them in their yearbooks).
Finished another season of America's Next Top Model.
Pulled an All Nighter.
Slept in until Noon.
Went to a session of The Gila Valley Temple dedication.
Went to a graduation party where I spent time with two guys I hardly ever have before or even thought would want to.
Sucked helium from balloons and sang 'twinkle twinkle little star'.♪
Went a whole day without the computer. (facebook)
Played a fierce game of Apples to Apples and Whooped trash. (got over 7 green cards but they just kept going)
Painted both my toenails and fingernails within 16 mins.
Graduated.
Slept in my car for over an hour and a half.
Had my grandma on the phone with her boyfriend until 2 am.
Ate TURKEY. (both a sandwhich meat and just taken from the bones)
Sat in my bathroom for about 30 mins writing this list on my phone.
Slept in Madason's bed each night (or morning for all nighter).
Had the missionaries teach a discussion at my house.
Sword fought with Madason and some of my siblings.

♥☻☺

It seems to have been a full weekend. = )

One Giant Leap

Today, I graduate.
A strange and unfamiliar feeling.
Practice was hot and took a long time.
I am excited and yet scared.
Kinda wish I did not have to grow up quite so quickly.

Good Morning, This is Your Wake Up Call.

I love My new Nephews, Tyson and Quinton. <3 Tiny Little Cute Boys.

Graduation!?!?

Yes, as you can guess, it is coming up super quick!
I can hardly believe it. Lots of people were in their caps and gowns today at Baccalaureate but it did not seem real. It felt a little like a themed party or we were all playing dress up....
I thought when I got to this point I would feel smarter or more accomplished or more adult like...

There is a little bit of all that but not like I thought it would be.
Maybe it just has not hit yet?
I know the whole graduation thing has not but I am waiting for that. I am trying to put it off otherwise I will cry like a little baby for hours. : )

YAY.
I AM FINALLY GRADUATING!
ME.
YAY.

A Reason to Get Up in the Morning

Today there was a blast from the past ♥-

♥And a hope for the Future!-

I love life. It is mysterious and as one song says,

"♥ crazy tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful beautiful life.♥"

^_^

Daily Learnings

There are many things you can learn in one day! These are just a few I learned this nice sunny Tuesday:

Numero Uno- Everyone should donate to the
 'i don't give a crap that emily is dying from SKIN CANCER -buy me a car FUND'.

Number Two- You should NOT procrastinate!

Number tHREE-Caps lock can be easily tapped if your pinky finger slips or has much of a nail at the end of it...

Number Four- Graduation Annoucements are quite the hassel. Especially when you are me. You are not me. Therefore it may not apply to you.

Number 5- Sometimes when you have GREAT ideas and you do not write them down in time, you tend to forget what you wanted to say...take for instance---now. I had some ideas that I wanted to write but now I do not remember. : /

Number ♠- I WAS FAT. (no i wasn't) But I want to be GRAWESOME {great and awesome} like a dinosaur!

Numba S3vEn- No drink will save you from STD's and your mom just doesn't love you...but maybe you can be grawesome too...remember to get your shots...or be smart and just don't go around having sex. I think that is school appropriate-it teaches abstinence.

# 8- I think I better stop writing now. = ) Have a Great Day everyone!!! < 3

The Break-up or Break-down

Some things....just do not work out. Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways.
He will have changed me for good. Samuel Musgrove is one of the best people I know!!
Always and Forever!
I know it was right and I am glad I did what I needed to do.

That Boy

This is the night my boyfriend, Sam, asked me to be his girlfriend. ^_^ I like Sam.
I like Sam liking his Bee Gees.
Samuel.
Yup.
Let's take it slow.

hmm....

I wish my first boyfriend could have met my Grandpa Walker. <3
He will have to settle for my zealous Grandmother.

A Twist of Words

Sometimes I wish the world would stop spinning.

The thoughts would stop rolling

The heart would stop beating

The music would stop playing

The talking would stop chattering

The wind would stop blowing

The hills would stop singing

The doors would stop knocking

The bells would stop ringing

The clock would stop ticking

The river would stop running



The eyes would stop tearing

The hand would stop writing

The feet would stop walking

The pupils would stop learning

The band would stop making

The children would stop laughing

The night would stop yearning

The day would stop burning

The car would stop racing

The breathing would stop hurting.

But then.....I wouldn't  exist.

*hehehe* Giggles *tehehehe*

= ) Skills BABE

Well....This trip aint so bad. Garrett Reed, Brenda Gilbert, and James Hanlon keep me very entertained. We have made some great inside jokes and laughed like Crazy!! It is soooo fun goofing off with them...even though they make me feel like I'm always running from trouble. = ) 

*inside joke-Principal playing 'get to know you' games with Brenda.* (creepy hand movements)

The End for Today. 

♥ Splendor Dearest ♥

I feel like I am flying on a little candy cloud of deliciousness.

♥ 

I just am so renewed in my faith in God and even slightly in people. = )

That is a big leap! (the people part)

I just want to be Happy. ^_^

I am going to an Owl City concert Saturday! ♥ That will be SPLENdiD. awww....

If you love God, You know how I feel.

It is so amazing to remember there are other people who really DO! ♥

One of my Best Friends-Tehehe....love my baby niece.

Little Toy Cars&The People Who Drive Them

Red cars have seemingly become something of a reminder of heartache....mistrust.
When I glimpse a red car, my heart sinks to the bottom of my chest and I feel myself take a sharp breath.
It does not make sense because the person does not even drive one, anymore. I know that. Still, it is a simple crude reminder.

When people compliment me, [as of lately], I just feel like everyone is being fake. Like maybe if they say that, I will like them more...or be more of their friend...or just because they want to seem perky so they find something to compliment about everyone. I feel like a downer but for some reason it just feels like that. I try to be sincere when I compliment people but I almost feel a fake face go on as soon as I start, even though that compliment was my exact thoughts.

I guess you can say, I've become an anti-people person. Which stinks because I really do not want that at all. After 7th grade homeschooling, I became much more social and went out of my way to talk to people but I have reverted or even gotten worse than before. It is not a shy thing, it is just a not liking people and especially new people that I do not know or really being scared at all to talk to them -which I'm sure is kinda shyness quality-. I judge harshly and get annoyed too easily. I feel like I am even letting myself down and not wanting to be around myself. I am really annoying.

Someone said that reading my blog was like reading a girl's journal. That is probably true, especially with these kind of posts.

What a lazy day for me...

Sister's Blog

Nate, Kaisha, Madason, Tyson and Quinton: Update on Twins/Life!

= ) My sister is great!! ♥

I think I will....

....Blame all my problems on bad PMS...or the weatherman...or possibly some long lost relative. = )

It has been a while and I have not really done many of the chain links lately. That is something I have been slacking on. My senior year is turning out differently than expected but it's not all bad.

I would really like to get a white board or possibly a chalk board for my room to keep myself organized. It helps to keep things written down and in plain sight. I love having my calendar on my phone because I can put reminders for everything and keep myself on-track. The only thing is that: I am still late to everything. I have a hard time because I very much dislike being early but I feel bad when I am late (for good reason). Even when I live about 2 or 3 blocks from the school, I cannot help but lax and end up being late anyway. That one I can also say- I dislike mornings so the longer I can sleep, the better hmm?

I love my room and living with my sister. It is starting, very slowly, to seem a little more like home instead of just staying with relatives. I felt my sister's babies in her tummy the other day. Such a strange feeling. . . There are really BABIES in there!! Freaks me out just a little but amazes me beyond all belief. Reminds me there there is still a Great God of wonders and miracles!!

With me, everything is a little different. After feeling the babies, I had a weirdo dream about my sister and her babies. I am such a strange child. Child because I sure do not feel like growing up. I thought I was... until I got closer and realized {I am scared and not very prepared}. I guess I will just have to have faith that everything will be taken care of!! <3

I love my FamILY. I love snacks. I love God.

---"In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in they righteousness." Psalms 31:1

"I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou has considered my trouble; thou has known my soul in adversities."   verse 7---

*COUGH COUCH COUGH*

Here I sit on this old blue plaid couch. It doesn't match this room and I can't hardly imagine it matching much of anything. The little pink and sea green stripes that cannot be seen from three feet away also add to the old fashion along with the ruffled edges and skirt against that mid-dark brown wood. The couch is also too close to the ground. As if in its earlier days here at our house, it could have held up four teenage boys and a young lady. We ripped the legs right off when we all went to 'sit' on it. Apparently, nowhere in town sells the legs to replace the last, not that it matters much. It still sits in the living room with the exact matchy matchy love seat across the room. Not to mention the dark navy blue velvety mis-matched love seat with strange springs to sit on and the reclyner that surprisingly has about the same colors as the couch and loveseat pair except the blue is slightly off. It most certainly is not pleasing to the natural eye. Also, the fact that it is just stripped from top to bottom and there is no plaid strange pattern like the couchs, it is seemingly in it's own little world. Everything is oddly placed so that everything can fit into the room and we can still walk through. Each is placed so that at some angle or another the person sitting there can see the huge Sony TV.
     I have to admit, my dad and brother have given their love for Sony to me. If it is Sony, I happen to already have expectations and believe it is going to be good quality. I have watched a little too much of that TV and it's DVR *magic* these last few days. There is only so much a sick girl can do when she doesn't feel well enough to do much. I should probably mention at this moment also that there is a Christmas song playing from my computer...and I am liking it. "All My Bells Are Ringing" By Lenka. It does not sound exactly like a traditional Christmas song so I guess that is good.

    To be sick for more than two days is probably a horrible thing for someone with slight hypochondria. I do not think that is COMPLETELY my fault. When I was 8 or so, no one believed me when I broke my leg. My dad held me upside down and all. He is a Paramedic and he is my DAD....I guess they believed my pain enough to take me to the doctor or maybe they were trying to humor their child who would not get up and walk because she was complaining. . . who knows. Anyhow, they took me to the doc and sure enough, the x-ray is my proof. Somethings just are not that simple. I think when I got my chest x-ray because of my random spurts of breathing issues, they just told me I had Reactive Airway Disease (RAD) because they could not see any problem but they did not want to tell me I was wrong because who knows if I am having breathing problems or not unless they are me or they are there at the right time to test it? Oh silly me. Maybe I should also mention the time when my foot hurt soooo much and yet, NO ONE could find anything wrong with it. I wore a boot and had crutches for awhile but it never got better....that should show that I WAS in pain though. Why else would I go through that? Bleck, definitely not for attention. That is the worst kind of attention. *HUGEBOOTTHING ON YOUR LEG!!* Well, I decided to just let it go. Stop bothering everyone else with my foot problem and quit spending money on something that no one else can believe is there. I waited it out and it is amazing, my foot feels just fine now. My dad told me that he had bad knees a while ago and he just let it pass and now he is fine. I hope that means he does not think I am crazy. = )

Let's hope I get better real soon.
  

I May Seem a Little Confused but Really, I'm Doing Good. = )

I am sore from SkiinG yesterday. Even when I laugh, My stomach hurts. It must have been all of those wipe outs. = ) It was a lot of fun though. Kelcie Reed is my Angel! I was soooo scared to go to the top of the mountain but when I did, she stayed by my side and helped me out. Then when I went up again, she helped me again and we had a lot more fun going on Midway. ( = Such a patient and just an amazing girl. Seriously.

I am also sunburned. I tried to put some powder on to make it less noticeable but that just wasn't good enough. I went for a foundation but OH MY GOODNESS...it smells funny and it makes me nervous that
A. It will come off and I wont know.
B. It will smear strangely.
C. I will have that gross cake face.
D. It will come off and smear on everything else like my clothes.
E. It totally wont match the rest of my skin....
AND SO, it didn't really match...it looks more like I have a rediculous tan now. Tehehe.

Did I mention I am sore?

I feel a little lonely today...Not really sure why. I just hope that I really did the right thing. I feel like I am questioning God's plan but sometimes he does very strange things that take time to develop into something else. I am excited to find the right guy but I know I am definitely not ready.

Today feels like monday. That is not the best feeling and it confuses my brain to pieces.
.... but I'm good. =)

♪"I regarded the world as such a sad sight until I viewed it in black and white."♪ -Dear Vienna by Owl City- Isn't this adorable? It is such a photographer thing. The things he goes on to say compeletely remind me of taking photos. UGH. I have such a passion for wanting to be a photographer. I hope I can do well.  . . . .

A Little Behind, A Little Rewind

My resolution to volunteer in China is confirmed even more this week. I am very excited. I know God will provide a way. Otherwise, He would not keep encouraging me to go. I wonder what kinds of things await there...the reasons I am going...it will be amazing.

 I also am excited to live with my sister. I love her so much! I still cannot believe she is having twins...twin boys. It will be crazy being a nanny but I love the idea of helping my family and being able to be a part of my nephews' and neice's lives. Madason is the cutest baby ever. If I have babies as cute as her, I will be completely thrilled. = ) Not saying that if I have ugly babies that I will love them less. ( = tehehehe. I cannot believe Maddi can count to ten in Spanish because she watches Dora the Explorer. She loves Dora. haha, crazy little girl.

          The musical seems like it is coming together. I thought it wouldn't for some reason but the main people are doing really well.  It should be really good this year. I have to admit, I like when we don't have practices...but I like that I have something planned instead of sitting at home wondering what I should do and wasting time on facebook... *cough* which I do anyway.
I just need to get a little more organized with my time and thoughts. I think if I write in my journal more, I will have less of a 'need' to do so much with facebook and myspace. Also, if I work on my conversational skills and talk to my friends/family more, it will help. There are a lot of things I could be doing and maybe if I start making a list again then I can see that wasting my time is...well, wasting away.

I REALLY need to get my laptop fixed. It is really annoying to have to type in notebook and then transfer it from either email or flash drive to the kids computer. Also, if I move out, it will be even more useful to actually have a computer that doesn't freeze up on me and has Microsoft Office. I wish Dammon would have taken care of that before he left...bleh. I know I shouldn't complain, I have a laptop but seriously, I'm a little teenage girl that doesn't know anything about warranties and sending a computer back to get fixed...just sayin. Anyway....Someday I will do that. I should put that on my list. = )

It's been a while since I have written about the chain but I don't really want to go back and try to remember all the days. = P Today was write a poem day and that I did. It is typed up on facebook. (aww...this was also the day Chewy went to sacrament with me <3 I love that girl and miss her. : ( oh well....) Friday was curl your hair day...and also my date with Sam Musgrove.  We watched 'The Lovely Bones'. Amazing cinematography, well done, and creepy. =D haha. Not to mention my little freaked out moment when the producers name came up and Carolynne Cunningham (who I guess was a first assistant director for Lord of the Rings, King Kong [also producer], and some other ones). I was like -!!! @_@-

Yup. We had a good time though. It was an interesting movie and we talked before it started because we got there late for Sherlock Holmes but early for The Lovely Bones.

  

It has been a nice little time for blogging. Now that moment is over, dears. Enjoy Life ♥.

Off the Chain

Friday, I just never made it to write in someone else's journal, which was the 'chain link' for the day. Maybe I will have to make up for that someday.

Saturday was 'off the chain' day because apparently we did not have anything planned on that day. I went back to work the night before and then got to work this night too. It was a little different because I did both the dishwashing and bussing. It was a little difficult sometimes but I think over all it went rather smoothly. I went to Erika May Tenney's this night too. The Pink Bible version of Pride and Prejudice is Hilarious and I must praise the cinematography of it as well. I just liked it. The colors were vivid and everything seemed so pure. It was nice. Although, the acting was cheesy, I'm glad that was the point (in most cases).

Today is Yellow Day! I was late getting up and then running around trying to find something to wear. I knew I would wear yellow but I couldn't find just the perfect outfit. I had all of these random things with a little bit of yellow but most of them were different yellows and/or styles. I had a scarf, a bracelet, a few necklaces, an undershirt, an over shirt, a skirt, and a flower for my hair. I tried them all with different things and nothing was seeming to come together. I finally realized I was way late so I pulled on my over shirt (yellow and gray) and wore all white. I actually got a compliment on it. Imagine that! From Chris Larmouth. I have to admit, I like it much better with jeans than a white skirt though.

I am really glad I do not have to use correct grammar in my own Blog. ( =

Amen. tehehehe.

Dark and Sweaty?

Yesterday was Dark Eye-Make-up Day. : )
I do not really like wearing make-up and I feel really fake with it on. It feels like I am lying or I can't see myself. I tried to make it dark and for me, it was. There were only a few comments on that and I was surprised but I guess if your friend looked scary and like they wanted to kill people with their laser eyes, you wouldn't ask too many questions either. Haha.

Today was Sweats day!
I was excited for this day because I went all out and got my brother's sweats sweats (the geeky look sweats). The problem came when I went to find shoes. Socks looked fine. Barefeet looked fine. There just did not seem to be any shoes that went good with sweats that came in at my ankles....they all looked silly and misplaced. I put some on and just left. I felt like a dork all day...although I was rather comfortable... : ) I am really glad to be back in jeans!!! ♥

Digital Writing Tuesday

I asked James Hanlon, what day is it?
He said Tuesday and I said NO! It is Digital Writing Day!!

So, I wrote in digital all day when I was writing. It was really hard taking notes in English and History but I did it. I am not sure if I will be able to read it tomorrow but it was worth the CHALLENGE! : )

Admiring boys from afar and being happy about it is nice. ( : That however, can be a challenge too but after I sleep, I will be up for the challenge again tomorrow.

Let's do it.

Winterformal+Other Days=A Weekend

Friday and Saturday were suppose to be 'manicure' and 'pedicure' day. Neither one actually happened but two funny and almost ironic things happened for those.

Friday I fixed my cuticals a little bit and rubbed them up with lotion.
Saturday, I sprayed my feet, socks, shoes with minty foot spray and then powdered them too with foot powder. : )

So even though it did not happen quite the way it should have, I still did a little something with them : )

Friday- I went to play practice from 6 to 9 and danced a little...it was a little boring and then it was like she was squeezing everything out of us in the last 15 minutes. Then I went to Emily's and messed up my face with this insane makeup that would not dry. We did not sleep until almost one. I was tired.

Saturday- Was winterformal, Spent most of the morning washing cabinets. Watched '500 Days Of Summer'. I like the cinematography of that movie. The main actor/actress where beatiful and really good. I love the IKEA part, "The Sink isn't working." "It's ok. That's why we bought a house with two kitchens" "You are so smart." "I dont know how to tell you this dear but....there is a chinese family in are bathroom"
Then the boys came and we made breakfast foods. Chan Chan and I made eggs and Crepes. We had a ghost baby crepe.... : P Then we played Apples to Apples and ImagineIff, ate crepes, and made flower things. : ) We looked awesome for the dance!! Henry and Chandler wore shorts with long socks and Huge boots-everyone was jealous. Joseph wanted to be in the group so he at least put some shorts on too. ( : Emily, Diiny, Joseph, Hailey, and a ton of people danced like crazy and it was loads of fun! The only thing that I did not like is how short of a time we were there because I wanted to ask a few other people's dates to dance. Tehehehe. Oh well.

Today I went to singles ward by myself. It was slightly awkward but good talks and song in sacrament. It was nice when Chris Larmouth sat by me in Sunday school. I had the impression that I should leave for Relief Society. I still am not sure why or anything but I almost did not do it. I just decided to go with my first instincts and leave.

Tonight-I played 'Wa Hoo' with my grandpa. We played three times and he won 2 out of 3. : ) He was knocking my pieces out a ton on the last round. ( :
I think he enjoyed it.
It was pleasant. Strange that we played games with my dad's side of the family...and me with my grandpa. ♥

Enough of this craziness.....I must sleep, for tomorrow is school...and horrible Monday. I mean...A whole new wonderful Day!! : P

Second Day and Third Day

Yesterday, was Taco Wednesday. I have to admit, those El Rancho tacos were rather delicious. It could have been that I was practically starving but still....I liked them at the time I was eating them. Shundiin, Emily, and Trevor are rather hilarious company. I enjoyed our lunch. I got two straws, one from each side. That is how you become a walrus, you know?

So, for the rest of the day, I was trying to keep those tacos down. I would burp and could taste it and it made me miserable but I thought for sure I could make just three more hours. At about two minutes left of school, my tacos came hurling back up. Literally. I was history, which is my biggest class with the most people in it. Good thing the light was off and we were just watching a movie. El Rancho tacos are not very good coming up...or in you nose. I am grateful for Emily being so stinking amazing!! & taking care of the sickly child. I adore her.

Today is 'Flirt With Jacob Day'. Unfortunetly, I am not there at school because of my obvious sickness. I wonder how that is going with Shundiin and Emily.... dot dot dot..... .Well, since it is his birthday, I sent him a text message so that partially counts because I don't usually text him. = )

Yay for being insane and sick! <3

P.S. Jacob Jaurez is lookin good  ; )

The Start Of Something New

Shundiin, Emily, and I made a chain of things for us to do each day until graduation.

Today was 'Make a New Friend' Day. Not my favorite. I like the friends that I have and I don't really get around to talking to new people unless it just sort of...happens. : )

I tried to convince them that Trevor Long was my new friend but I do not think Emily was convinced...

So I drew a little guy on a swing and his name is Tyler. Now we are new friends. He will be my English friend. = D

I enjoy his company now and again. Maybe I will get a picture tomorrow. : )

Today

Is rather up and down.

My sister IS having twin boys! I am very excited and surprised. We have been teasing her for a long time that she was going to have them but the irony is very humorous. I do feel a little bad that she will have so much going on but hey, good thing she did not have the triplets I teased her about! = )

I have a lot to think about. My future is coming close. I really want to go to China and I am excited. The closest time is in October next year. I think I was invited to go to a camp during the summer to work in Colorado and I have always loved Colorado. Getting money would really help out too. I will have to get more information on that. I am quite excited about finding someone special and I sure hope I do. = )

Being in Cali is good. It is away from that over-kill of a town. I miss my friends terribly and was glad to hear that at least Chewy missed me...Emily actually called me. That does not happen often. I guess I just got used to being around all of my friends that when I was taken out of my normality, I got a little confused and a little sad but it is okay. I was also very...moody and now I do not have so much of an imbalance. I feel better.

I miss my Grandpa. <3

I am concered with what this next year will bring. I wish I had more money and then things would work out very nicely and I would not have to stress so much. I am graduating. How crazy is that!? People are moving right and left...I have to be patient and hope some people will not bug me. I hope I do not run into some people. It could help my heart heal a lot better if they would just simply...never speak to me or look at me or be seen by me. I wish I could pluck them up and put them into a different world where they could not hurt anyone. *sigh* So much for wishing.....

~Psalm 30: 11~

"Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou has put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness." <3

It's all Pretend

I'm pretending I am not hurting because no one really knows.

I'm pretending I am happy becuase no one sees differently.

I'm pretending to hide it but it is harder than I thought.

Why do I have to be so Emo?

My life is really good. I am really blessed. Just can't see why I am hurting and always so depressed. Shouldn't I be happy? Laughing much more often? I am making right decisions so what is making me backtrack every single time?

Is it trying to make other people happy?

Fear and regret?

Someone I haven't forgiven?

The hate in my own aching heart?

The way I feel so pressured....seems silly from the start.

Maybe I know my own problems and that is why it frustrates me that much more.

I get so annoyed with myself for pulling me down so consistantly.

I can't live like this forever.

God loves me.

That should be good enough.

Please please please....be good enough. ♥

Im looking for the guy...

that will take me to the temple and be with me forever. I'm not up for a bumpy ride with other guys. I want to be as pure and innocent as possible. Just imagine how amazing it will be to give everything to that one person. I am excited. Even little things like when I hold hands, I give a part of myself to someone. I want to save as much of that for my eternal companion as possible.



What I see as mature is just someone who understands the gospel enough that when they make decisions, most of the time, their first thought is how it applies to the gospel. They want to be like Christ. They handle things that way. If not for Christ (as far as just someone in general being mature), they know how to be well civilized and compassionate.



I haven't had many decent conversations in a long time. I guess part of it is just that I am so unsure of myself that if i can just make it seem random or funny, then I wont have to grow up, be brave, face my problems, or get my feelings hurt. I seem to love to pity myself. I have been pretty selfish. I am trying so hard to be just exactly what God wants me to be that I am scared. I have a lot to work on.

Communication is KEY. No joke.

I did not forsee those things that would happen to me like jealousy or more loneliness but I know Satan knows some of my weaknesses and feeds off of them. These are just things I need to take head on and get passed. With God, All things Are Possible.

Vagueness and Allusivness seem to seep into these words. Life is just so...intense.

I'm scared. . . I feel like that little kid again who just needs to be told it is going to be alright. When I used to be held just because I was loved or because I was upset/sad. Those were the days.....

Whistle While We Work

Eh. I am so rediculous sometimes. I need to stop being so prideful. I need to take small steps toward the right direction:

1. Stop saying mean things even jokingly. (mostly jokingly)
2. Get my act together. (Find the things that the Spirit needs to let me know)
3. Use my patriarchal blessing and get a copy to carry with me.
4. Find a program to get to China.
5. Stop saying or thinking bad jokes/thoughts. Immorality is not funny.
6. Find ways to serve others and become more selfless.
7. Really do scripture 'STUDY' not just putting in my time.
8. Learn and grow all the time. Quit wasting time. It is so precious!
9. Take my own advice but overall, my Heavenly Father's.
10. All the other things I need to do. One step at a time but start NOW.

<3

This world wont change itself. Magic is not real. Perfection only comes through one thing, God.

mmm...

Right now, I am just hoping to do what it is that Heavenly Father wants me to do. ♥ I just need to feel His Spirit. Today I am just very irritable and just like 'eh'. It probably is not the best time to be writing because mostly there are only negative feelings coming from me right now. There is some restlessness in there as well and a little nervous or like pressured. I think I will be fine though. Don't you fret.

Things are always changing.

I just don't know what to do with myself. Should I move? Should I go to Singles ward? Does 18 really change much? Should I tell people my feelings or are there much better times for that? Should I be worried? What about? Am I doing the right things? How much do I need to change? How much do I need to love myself and love others? How much is too much? Questions out the waaah-zoo.

I really just need to trust the Lord and ask Him the questions that I am thinking of but sometimes I do and then end up listening to other people or having to change plans. I just get confused.

I have been fasting more lately and I have a much stronger testimony of the way it works. I love knowing that I am sacrificing something that is precious for my Heavenly Father and also for the people around me. Prayer is amazing.

Cross country has been wonderful. I feel great. I am much more in shape than ever before. I can push myself to do things that were once seemingly impossible. I can challenge myself. I can do something that is hard. I can be with amazing people who make me smile. :)

School is going slow. Yet, going so quickly. Already it is more than a quarter over for this year, My senior year. I am going to bawl like a baby for weeks after graduation.

My obsession with facebook has come to an all time high. I feel like if I don't get on, I will disappooint someone else. Even though I waste a ton of time on there and most of it really is not that important. I just keep hoping there will be something VERY important when I get on. Just don't know what it is.... *laughter*. I once lived without facebook, I do not see why I could not now.

I am working on being able to call people instead of texting them. It is so hard. I already had this phone-phobia but it just got worse once I started texting. Texting is just sometimes not worth it and rediculous. You should not share deep conversations or feelings over texts. It will ruin things. Face to face is so much better but phone calls are a step towards that. Texting and even email is nothing like that. Why do we (or I) keep doing it? Keep living like this?

I want to be a great photographer but it seems like there are so many great photographers out there and with digital cameras, there are a MILLION pictures everywhere. People get lucky shots all the time. They sometimes just wing it. I feel like sometimes I wing it. I do not like that very much. Yet, I do love to look at photographs. I wish I had photoshop.

I did two very rediculous firsts this Saturday.
1. I ran into a parked vehicle that happens to be my brother's truck. The truck looks fine. My car has quite a dent in the back tail light.
2. Got a written warning for speeding in town. I was crying by the time the officer got to the car but I managed to say that I was doing 'good'. He seriously was thinking that I was going to a party where there would be alcohol. I HATE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS. I know what they do to people. I am not quite that stupid. I felt pretty stupid though, sitting in this large prom dress, in tears, shaking, and I had already crashed my car earlier. I was late to MY party where I was suppose to be to tell people how things were suppose to be and already be there 15 mins ago. It was distresseful.

I spent a whole lot of time and money on my party. It was really great. Truly. Emily has amazing planning skills and she did amazing things! I appreciate her! I felt like she was my mom for a few days with this whole project. :)

I love modesty. Seriously, people look much better with clothes that cover up SKIN. I am a little annoyed with how much of people's bodies I have seen that I would much rather have NOT seen. I should work on that too. I hate when there is a gap between shirt and pants when bending down or what not. All little mishaps that you may or may not notice at first. I appreciate those that cover up more and I am able to concentrate much better on who they are as a person and I actually see the beauty in their faces much better.

I have been writting in my journal now for a few weeks. I really like doing it. I just wish I did not use the same words over and over. I need to find more words for 'grateful' 'thankful' and 'appreciate'. It usually helps me see a little more how God has been working in my life constantly.

I could literally write a book about my life but it would bore people to death. One day I will write a book and publish it though. Maybe just not all about me. :)

This day. This time. Life Happens.

I was pretty excited to come to California, get away from Taylor/Snowflake for a while...but when I got here, I was tired and I kept realizing why we were all there. It is tough. Such mixed feelings about this whole trip. I really like seeing my family, after getting a little more comfortable and after the formalities of seeing them all again after such time lapses. I need to sleep so that tomorrow, I don't have bags under my eyes for any senior pictures I might take. Good night Cruel world.

some of my photos....it takes a long time to load them and i was being crazy with a bunch of other stuff...

Some random things and days

I have obsessed over facebook and myspace for several years now. (ok facebook only this year) It is a bit annoying. I want to stop but then I always come back or like feel like I am letting someone down by not contacting them on those sites. The cool thing is, I get to share my millions of pictures with everyone! I just don't think that many people take the time to look at many of them. Which some of them, are just like regular home video kind of photos but I love them. I miss hanging out with certain friends like Kailtin. I loved all the millions of pictures we took this last school year and I can't top that. :)

I can be a really crappy friend.

I am obsessed with the boyfriend thing (of which i have none).

I like music but I can never remember what songs are great when people ask or I try to figure out what to listen to.

I cannot wait for fall!!!! ♥ My favorite season. It is so romantic and lovely. I am also a SCARF WHORE and cannot wait for it to be a little chilly so i can wear them all the time. :D

I know you all think i am sweet but let us face this,

♪It means nothing at all if you cant be here with me! ♪

sorry, i randomly break out in song, as i was saying,

♪I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale.♪

sometimes i can just be downright

♪beautiful, you're so beautiful, its true.♪

silly.

So if you wanna know me,

♪if only she knew. if only She KNEW!!(screamo)♪

remember to just simply ask.

♪I want a love that will last. I dont want just a memory, give me forever.♪

♪I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too.♪

The End..........